Hope

On my ramblings again. Thank you anxiety. I shall finish what I started writing a while back, tonight, and share…

I was blessed with an opportunity and invited to my first sweat last month for my dad’s 30th N.A. birthday. 

I have been raised around N.A. and A.A. my whole life and my dad, once he made the choice to get clean and sober, made the choice to go to school to become a codependency/drug and alcohol counselor. 

As long as I can remember my dad’s work, and his clean and sober journey has very much been rooted in native culture and with that has come opportunities for myself to experience native culture to some extent.

I myself have struggled a lot in life, and a lot of that in the recent years. In those struggles I’ve battled depression, anxiety, a very strong sense of feeling lost and not belonging, feeling like failure, constantly chasing… something? and at times feeling like giving up completely. All while trying to raise two kids. 

In finding ways to just simply survive… Mentally, emotionally, financially or otherwise, I’ve considered a lot of options to try to help myself. Therapy (which I need to get back to), drinking (obviously not the right choice, I don’t recommend that), burying myself in all of the things to stay sooo busy to try to avoid the pain (also doesn’t help), and many other things. So far I have found that for me, exercise outdoors (mountain biking or gravel rides, hiking and running) are at the top of the list of things that help me with depression and anxiety. 

I was open to anything that might help. This time it took me reaching out, of all people reaching out to my dad. For anyone who knows me, knows that in itself was a difficult task… asking anyone for help is… but I did… it literally took me admitting to myself and him just how bad my depression and anxiety was, and that I was feeling like I was drowning in it in the worst way. Even then it still took time for an opportunity to happen, in the right time, at the right time. What better time than celebrating 30 years clean and sober? 

I allowed myself to experience something new.

Going into it with the mindset of attempting to move forward, let go, and start fresh. Or, if anything, find a way to navigate all the depression and anxiety I live with daily. 

Was participating in a sweat a cure all? No. It’s not meant to be. 

I can only tell you my experience, but some words to describe it for me… spiritual, heavy, intense, emotional, grounding, freeing and exhausting. 

I spend a lot of time holding my shit together and not allowing myself to feel all of the emotions… because I’ve lived through a lot of traumas that many don’t know. Sometimes emotions just get exhausting and after a while I think I learned to turn off the ability to cry (sort of) and that’s not necessarily a good thing. Some days I feel like I’m broken in a sense that I should cry at times when anyone else normally would, and I don’t, or can’t? I’m always in “buck up and handle my shit” mode I guess. 

So going into the sweat I did not expect the experience that I did.

I cried more than I’ve cried in the last two years probably. It put me in a place where I had to allow myself to be vulnerable and release a lot of emotions I didn’t realize I was holding in. The fact that it was dark (pitch black) and at best could only see the red glow of the stones in the middle made being vulnerable easier. I was in a circle of people, some of which had known me since I was little, along with my dad and my sister, and a few I’d never met before.

I, as everyone else, was given an opportunity to speak/pray however I needed to, without judgement.

I was able to process some thoughts I’d been struggling with for some time, and say things I needed to say.

I allowed myself to quite literally lean in on Mother Nature to ground myself by digging my hands and feet into the dirt. Yes I mean this literally. 

By the end I was exhausted mentally, physically, and emotionally… but spiritually felt like I was in a better place, even just a little bit from where I started that morning. I ended up napping the rest of the day after I got home and showered. Because, honestly that’s all I could do after. 

Is this something I will do again in the future? Absolutely. 

My thoughts, if you are ever invited to join a spiritual ceremony like this and it aligns with your beliefs, I hope it’s something that is healing for you, because it was for me. Even just a little bit.

If you have read all of this and made it to the end. I hope you know you are not alone. I know this is a Photography page for my Business, but in sharing my thoughts here I have had people reach out to me. Just to thank me for sharing and/or remind me I am doing much better in life than it feels like somedays. To those who have reached out, Thank you.

Because of that, when I need to ramble, I will continue to do so. 

Goodnight.